Niagara Balls

One of our more memorable moments this summer came courtesy of the Canadians. Having been to Niagara Falls on the US side before, I figured seeing it from Canadia would be more of the same. No, sir!

Those Canucks know how to throw a party!

Seeing Niagara from the states is like that party in high school that you were so excited for, but in reality it was just pizza and soda in your friend's basement while watching 16 Candles.

Seeing Niagara from Canada is like that party in college that you remember exquisitely from the many, MANY stories other people have told. But, you have no personal recollection of it yourself.

I don't really know, because I didn't really get invited to any parties... but, for scientists and engineer's Canadian Niagara is like all the parties we wish we'd been invited to.

As you might guess, the French Canadians man the borders. The attractive but grouchy border agent that we got was firing off questions I was not prepared to answer. "Are you staying for the day or overnight?" is a difficult question for a technically minded individual. It's almost existential when compounded by the fact that part of your party is staying overnight and part of it isn't.

When I simply said, "yes," she was not amused. "Explain this to me." Yes, ma'am. We don't joke around in Canadia, eh?

Of course, upon entering Canada we did the one thing that any self respecting American does on foreign soil: we stopped at a gas station and bought absurd amounts of REAL Cadbury chocolate.

Our new favorite road trip partners are Joy and Ahma, Katie's aunt and grandma. While loading up on gas station chocolate, even the kids began to suspect that Ahma might have a problem. "Ahma, isn't this too much?" they asked in unison.

"Oh, no. After all, it's 5 o'clock somewhere!" she exclaimed. I couldn't wait for the reason. "What?" asked the kids.

"Well, you know, it's 5 o'clock somewhere and we're all alcoholics!" Ahma the souse! Who knew? She tried to clarify that she meant chocoholics... but, "it's 5 o'clock somewhere" became the new catchphrase.

It only got better when we rolled up to the hotel and Jimmy Buffet's Margaritaville was not only next to Ahma's hotel, but prominently featured with the falls from her balcony.

You want to know how kids get into alcohol? Great-grandparents. That's how. I took control of her wheel chair and she had some close calls. She got the message and didn't mention her vices to my kids after that.

 

Since Ahma and Joy travel in style, we crashed their Falls View hotel room and ate their leftover road snacks upon arrival. This was a common theme for the whole trip. Supposedly, they returned home malnourished like they hadn't eaten in days. It doesn't make sense, 'cause we ate food as fast as they could buy it.

Apparently, the issue was causing a rift in the group because Katie and Aunt Joy ditched the rest of us to ride the Horatio Hornblower (remember, this is Canada) out into the falls. They left me with the wheel chair and all the kids in line for the Hornblower and then said they were going to go check out the zip line.

This line was very crowded, very pushy, and very international. And I know that you can read between the lines and that I don't have to point out "international" means "lack of deodorant." It was the ideal place to be on a humid summer day with "5 o'clock Ahma" and 4 kids.

We snaked our way through this huge line and finally made it to a set of elevators. At the bottom of the elevators was a long passage, a green-screen photo set up, and the final line onto the boat. I decided we'd wait it out in the air conditioned passage for 20 min and then we were getting on the boat, hell or high water.

The kids immediately made the the area their playground. I figured this was fair for having to deal with the cumulative aura of international B.O. For Ahma, every 5 minutes felt like an hour. Once her anxiety boiled over and the kids tried to ride the elevators back up, I hit my limit. We were getting on the boat.

Zack had fallen asleep on Ahma's lap, the kid's looked homeless after rolling around the tunnel, and I was a little angry. That made for an awesome green screen photo. Just not quite awesome enough to pay $35 for.

And who should we meet coming off the boat as we were getting on? Katie and Joy. That's right. They'd gone off, come back around with a sob story about catching up with the wheelchair and kids, gotten VIP  access to the elevator ahead of us, boarded the boat, and had a nice ride. I looked over at the refreshment bar next to the boat. "It's 5 o'clock somewhere," I muttered.

Luckily, the wheelchair parking on the boat also happened to be next to the one opening where a kid Zack's size could slip out into the water. It was perfect because he'd just woken up and was a little grouchy and independent.

After that, we hit the whitewater section of the river below the falls and read up on all the crazy people who braved the falls and river. Strolling a boardwalk right next to Class 6 rapids is quite the experience. The water was a gorgeous blue-green thanks to the minerals broken up by the falls with 15 ft swells.

Also of note, the elevator access to the walkway was so old it actually required a human elevator operator. There are only 3 floors serviced by the elevator and on the way back up the guy went to the wrong floor. I mean, he seriously has ONE JOB. Teenagers. The future is not bright for Canada folks. To be fair, it was actually about 5 o'clock at that point.

Then it was time for the Journey Beneath the Falls and the 4D movie.

Unfortunately,  we arrived for our Journey a little early. This did not sit well with the Canadian who only had "one job" reading the time on everyone's ticket and checking it against the actual time. "5 o'clock somewhere" arguments didn't work on this smart cookie. That did not sit well with the pushy Americans who are used to bullying a manager into getting their way.

Luckily, the "one-job" Canadian manning the 4D movie totally subscribed to "5 o'clock somewhere" and let us in early. I'm not sure it if was a 4D experience or a super cold hot tub with a movie screen. The fun little film was about a beaver who almost gets killed by Niagara falls in 4 different epochs of the earth's history. That little guy could definitely have used a drink - I mean, a piece of chocolate.

When we made our way back to the Journey we were told that they were "experiencing delays" and we would have to wait 45 minutes. That Canadian learned real quick that issuing a lesson on timeliness and then failing to deliver is a sure way to tick off Americans. Technically, we shouldn't have been able to get a refund since we bought bundled tickets for everything. But I'm pretty sure that the manager was experiencing a brain hemorrhage once Katie and Joy were done with her.

I saw her slipping off for a "5 o'clock somewhere" moment right after the refund. Ahma wanted to follow, but I had control of her wheel chair.

While that was happening, I became concerned that Zack's brain actually was hemorrhaging. Blood starting pouring out of this kid's nose sci-fi B-movie style. I plugged him up with tissues. When I pulled off the first plug, a blood covered piece of mucous the size of my index finger slid out onto the waiting pad of napkins.

I thought he'd just lost half his brain. Grossest dad moment yet out of 4 kids.

At that point, there was only one thing left to do: buy souvenirs. After much commotion the kids all settled on.... bouncy balls. In the clearance bin. Whatever floats your boat kids.

So, Andrew has all the souvenirs in a bag that he's swinging around goofing off with while we walk to the hotel. As a concerned and attentive parent I felt obliged to say, "Andrew, don't lose your little bag of balls."

Well, that was the wrong thing to say. After that Andrew was bouncing his balls off everything he could. He'd take them out, and put them back, and throw them at this siblings. He started swinging his sack around and hitting other people while we were waiting in line. Asking him to not play with his balls was a futile attempt.

Eventually, he was bouncing down the courtyard loudly telling his mother, "Look! If I drop my balls they bounce right back up to me. I love my balls!" Of course, his mother was definitely needing some chocolate by the end of it.

The play on words only got better when we stopped at Tim Horton's on the way back to get a box of doughnut holes. Otherwise know as TimBits.

Ahma was grateful when we finally split off for our hotel. Though it was pretty late, as far as she was concerned, it was only 5 o'clock.

Missed Connections

You were the girl in the back of the preschool class with the awesome smile and the blond hair. You were the only one who would play cars with me and hold my hand. I thought I lost you forever when the school year ended. Then, I saw you again - this past Sunday at church. You were clear across the chapel. When services ended I ran through the mass of bodies, but never reached you before you disappeared in the throng. I think we should play cars again. You know, because.

Out of all my children, Zack has most consistently interacted with the opposite sex on a regular basis. I don't know how it happens, but he manages to find girls his age with the same interests: cars. Okay, it's just one interest. You have to admit, there's just something sexy about Lightning McQueen.

When we first moved to Ohio it didn't take Zack very many school days to start talking about his new friend Katie. At first, she regularly played cars with him. Then, the situation quickly evolved.

Zack's teacher began relating to my wife how she was constantly separating Zack and Katie. The kid would come home starry-eyed from school every day and talk forever about his conversations with her. At some point, the teacher had a conversation with them about the appropriate level of hand-holding at school.

In the last week of school, Zack felt things slipping away. He did the only thing any love-sick man would do when faced with eternal separation: he proposed. She accepted. They decided the marriage would be on a Tuesday since that was his favorite day.

Getting daily updates on the relationship from Zack and his teacher was the highlight of our day at the end of the school year. We knew she was a special girl because Zack has very refined taste. When we asked him why he like her so much he replied, "she was the only girl in the class that would play cars and hold my hand."

The first day of school this year was the most depressed I'd seen Zack all summer. That was the day that Zack realized that he was still in preschool, but Katie had moved on to kindergarten. And in a different school no less.

In any real situation that would have been it. Love lost, lessons learned. The aching of the heart healing with time. Not in this fairy tale.

Zack and Katie were meant to be friends and the Fates have sealed it. Today we attended a new congregation; the one where we will be attending until we leave Ohio. Zack was starting to get a little out of hand, but at one point he just stopped. He stood still and stared wide-eyed across the chapel.

"Mom! It's KATIE!!"
"Who? Katie who?"
"KATIE, mom. THE KATIE!"

There, across the pews, sat a little blond girl in a pink dress on the lap of her father. Who just happens to be Ben's new Scout Master. Yep. Destiny in motion.

He stood stock still for the rest of the meeting staring at her. He moved only when his brother leaned forward to block the view. Bad idea, Ben. Bad idea.

As soon as the meeting ended, Zack was off like a bolt of lightning. It was fun to watch him weave frantically in and around people while she calmly walked off the other way. She strolled out of the room and on to her Primary class before he could ever reach her.

He gave up the search and went to Primary himself only to find her sitting on the opposite side of the room. Again! Zack stared at Katie. Katie chatted with friends oblivious to the eyes boring into her soul. If she would only look up!

Then Katie got called on to say the prayer. That seat of honor was right by Zack. He was thrilled! He was visibly trembling as she walked over.  He smiled his biggest smile, proudly wearing his wallet and 4-color pen hanging haphazardly next to his tie.

Katie walked straight up, sat down... and didn't even say "hi" to him.  It was too much.  Tears silently slid down his little cheeks as he held the rest of his composure.  Absentia is a relatively soft heartbreak compared to oblivion.

Undeterred, by the end of church he had turned the tides. The next time I saw her, she and Zack had cornered Ben in the hallway and were making coordinated kicks at his shins. I can only assume it was because he'd blocked Zack's view earlier.

As it turns out, both Katie and Zack will be moving away from Ohio at about the same time next year. Will they ever meet after that? Who knows?

But as Ben learned, you can't stand in the way of love. That's how you get bruised shins.

A Truncated Version of Events

Ah, can you feel it? The overwhelming feeling that I should play a game on my phone rather than recap our most recent history is washing over this blog post. I’ll do my best to select only positive and "good-fortuned" moments so that you can feel annoyed and frustrated in comparison to my half-truth.

To make it fun, I’ll keep it to a couple of paragraphs and a haiku per month and then expand on some more entertaining parts. That way those of you hiding in the bathroom reading blog posts can justify a few more moments of solitude.

May

In May, our style of life was getting a little old. This consisted of Katie living in the car to drive the kids to another school district every day and most of our stuff still being held hostage somewhere. Good news came in the form of visit from Papa Erickson. Late in the month Nini showed up with Cousin Hunter. However, Nini went back home without him…

Minivan a shell

A home on wheels, life’s snail pace

Oh please, let it end

June

We finally found a “permanent” home solution for Ohio. This also presented a unique challenge because we had roughly 3800 sqft of “stuff” delivered to a home with about 2300 sqft of space. We purposefully chose a home that would force us to prepare for the upcoming move to England and it is truly mind-boggling the amount of “things” that a handful of people can accumulate. From another perspective we got rid of 2,000 lbs of stuff leaving New Mexico. At a minimum we must reduce that by another 3,000 lbs if not more.

Katie had a much better plan for dealing with this than I did: she left. For most of June she and the kids lived the high life at the Erickson Vegas Resort. They don’t have a gambling license yet, but Ben did learn how to play poker for the first time there. Meanwhile I was left to deal with the initial brunt of our stuff arriving. When I joined them on the very last day of the month, Andrew was baptized.

Much work and few hands

Grasshoppers leave while ant works

Ant eats well alone

July

After non-stop craziness that kicked off in February, we finally got off on a family vacation. In fact, we liked it so much we did it twice. This does a wonderful job of helping you realize just how unnecessary your presence in the workplace is. Vacation number one featured some awesome body surfing and a lava spewing volcano (DO NOT combine those two activities!) Vacation number two consisted of a loop through upstate NY, down New England, and across Pennsylvania.

Jealous of nomads

Cares float on summer’s fresh breeze

Home overrated

August

August arrived with a healthy dose of reality. That’s really why everybody hates August. The first presidential candidate to add “eliminate August” to their platform gets my vote. We finally started getting rid of some of our stuff while preparing for school. Knowing that we have but a short 10 months left in Ohio has really focused our activities. In other news, the NM home hasn’t sold which gave me the chance to walk through it one more time while I was there on business. Make me an offer people.

Reality lies

Like a small snake in the grass

Strikes hard at time's heel

Stories

Remember how I said I would write up entertaining parts from our summer at the end and expound on things? I lied. Go back to life. I’ll add them as smaller posts later.

We make a good first impression at Preschool.....

 (During Preschool orientation for Zack today)

Z: Mom, remember that time I was lost on the street and you picked me up and made me your son?

M: (totally shocked and embarrassed that this conversation is happening...and at his preschool orientation) No Zack. You grew in my belly, then you were born, and you have always been with me and Daddy.

Z: (Looking dubious) Hmmm, I don't remember that.

Thoughts on a Starry Night

[photo credit jordanmurph.com]

I am delinquent in updating this blog and there is such a backlog of stories that the thought of writing them is almost daunting. Slowly, over time, I will relate the events surrounding moving into a house, having all our household goods delivered, fishing in goose ponds, entertaining family, and going on vacation that all happened within the space of a month.

Right now, however, I just want to write about some thoughts I had while I was off-grid enjoying family and nature.

I love swimming in the ocean. There is just something about the saltwater, the expanse, and the push and pull of the waves that soothes and calms me in a way that nothing else does. I can float in the ocean for the better part of the day and not get tired of it.

One of my favorite things to do is to swim in the ocean at night. Partly because I’m the only one crazy enough to do so, and partly for the stars. Because when you sit on the coast in a rural area with no light sources across the water, the universe is a fantastic scene.

Lift my head slightly out of the water and I hear the white rush of the shore softly breaking the waves. Let my ears sink below the surface and I hear the crackle and crinkle of sand brushing along the sea floor. It’s a symphonic cacophony synced perfectly to the constellations, shooting stars, and even satellites.

There are a few caveats to make this work. The first is that I can only look westward. While there is no large population center nearby, the coast is still lined with apartments, condos, and small homes. As long as I don’t look back, their light is insufficient to pollute the cosmos. The longer I gaze west, the better the view.

The second is that the moon can both enhance and detract from the show. The best gazing occurs when the moon is waning and sets early in the night. I love to watch the concave sliver of a blood moon set on the horizon and then observe the very faintest stars develop in its absence.

The third is the road that follows the coastline. To the south, cars follow the rocks as they jut farther west then fall away. This is by far the biggest threat to the experience. Headlights in my peripheral vision aren’t enough to contract my pupils. But it takes some serious willpower to override the instinct to look at a suddenly appearing bright light.

In fact, the first time a car comes around the bend it’s inevitable that you will look directly at it unless you are prepared. They are brief and appear erratically, but they can ruin the experience if you let them.

And that’s the deal with life. On many levels, it’s very hard to enjoy its beautiful intricacy if you focus on the wrong things. Even when those things can have a beauty in their own right.

Tie dye

Zack made this amazing tie dye shirt at school. He loves it, can't you tell?