We're Going To...

Uh, no. Not so fast. I'm not giving it up THAT easily. Like everything else in our lives this announcement has a backstory. And I'm going to make you read it. You know why? Because I'm a closet control freak and I'm so pathetic that the only outlet I have for indulging it is this blog.

Now, as long as we're being petty, let's just point out that lots of you have had wonderful announcements lately - you've had a baby, you're going to have a baby, you bought a car, your kids do the best things, your FB life reads like a Horatio Alger's novel. We're sick of it. So, we're adding to the noise.

It shouldn't come as a surprise that we're moving again. We'd already told most of you that going overseas was in the cards. In fact, the prospect of it has been killing Katie.

To give you an idea of what my life has been like the past month, here is the text exchange between my wife and I yesterday:

Engaging in this type of exchange is dangerous because it means you weren't paying attention to your four-year-old. Who at the time was doing this:

Do not think that this has simplified our housing situation. We just found out Thursday that house number 2 is not likely to work out. That's the problem with performing a home inspection - sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Kind of - this ignorance would have been a blissful stay in the emergency room, because they found coliform bacteria in the well water. I mean, they also found other problems, but there's only one part of the house that I plan to regularly ingest. 

I know, here's where you point out that well water can be treated. And the seller did offer to treat it. But coliform bacteria come from the colons of mammals and since there isn't one living in the well I think it's important to know just how the bacteria got there. 

Now, tracking down that kind of thing can be very expensive and time consuming. Not to mention that all of our stuff is still in storage and our lease on the temporary housing ends in May.

Gosh, you might say, why are you even trying to buy a house anyways? A fair question. I don't have a particularly good answer, but let's just say it's a calculated risk that could work our for us financially. 

Do I know that I'm skirting the issue? Of course, I do. I'm loving stringing you along like this.

Of course, you should realize that I've been telling you where we are going throughout this whole post. If only you could pick up on the clues I've been leaving every step of the way.

Must I spell it out for you? Fine, just read the first letter of every paragraph :). Shame on those of you who skipped to the bottom when I didn't tell you up front!  (Katie is just thrilled it's not Israel....)

Addendum: Family Card Games

Writing more regularly on the blog means I'm going to have to become my own apologist. Why? I don't know. Because you (I) can't say things without making an omelet. No really, I need breakfast and I'm just going to have to multi-task this post.

We love playing card games in our family. So let me couch this conversation in the framework of a card game. We'll call it Magic: The Family Gathering and refer to it as MFG. And, no, that acronym does not stand for anything else you might imagine about it.

Before we get to that though, let's break down one potentially incendiary section of the previous post. If you haven't read the previous post yet, spoiler warning!

Remember when I wrote: So Katie decided to she HAD to go see her and the baby short notice with no prior plans to fly across the country. This is because [obscure statement about life choices, followed by derogatory generalization about in-laws and relatives, season it with some unnecessary whining about it affecting my life,] This is not a generally advisable plan of action. 

Let's break it down: obscure statement about life choices. Translation: we moved to Ohio. Ohio is 1500 miles farther away than NM was and we have no friends to watch our kids because we are losers. This makes it hard.

Then: derogatory generalization about in-laws and relatives. Big deal - I've done this since I've been married. They all just shake their heads and say. "Oh, Christopher..." It's a great situation for me personally. I ALWAYS keep this card in the deck I'm playing MFG with.

Finally,  unnecessary whining about it affecting my life. Be honest, this is mostly why you read this blog. 

When you put it all together out of context it sounds totally different. Word-smithing is fun!

Alright, so let's play a card game. 

Shelley has a baby - her first boy. She also posts pictures. Card: Epic, this card cannot be taken out of play. It awards 10% across the board increase to all cards of type family and +15 speed bonus to the spouse of blood relation.

Katie says, "I have to go see my sister! Can we buy a plane ticket?" Card: Family, hit-points: 20, damage: 75, speed: very fast.

Me: What? You had 9 months to plan to go out there. This isn't a surprise! Card: Logic, impact: weak. This card automatically discards itself upon being played.

Katie: But the BAAAAAAAAAABYYYYYYYYYYYY. Card: Emotion, hit-points: 50, damage: 2000, speed: irrelevant. This card forces the other player to play their next card in your favor.

Me: Let me see what my week looks like and whether or not I can take the kids. Card: Planning, hit-points: irrelevant, damage: irreversible. This card introduces the emotion card "hope" into the deck.

Katie: YOU ARE THE BEST HUSBAND EVER!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! Card: Trump card. This card also has the power to spew irrelevant statements, stick its chin in the air, and then build a wall that denies entry of any other card.. Effect: game over.

I always seem to lose these card games in swift fashion.

Mr. Not-such-a-great-mom

One of our favorite things to do as a family is to tell stories in the "thumbs up, thumbs down" format. I'm sure there's some fancy pants label for talking about and analyzing this method of story telling. So if you know what it is, keep it to yourself. Don't out yourself like that. We can still be friends.

The gist of it is to tell a story where each segment is a counterpoint to the previous one in your story. After each segment you label it as either a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" segment. The kids love doing this to tell us about their day and what happened to them. You get extra points for using the counterpoints to throw a clever twist into the story.

Well, Katie abandoned the family this week in favor of far away and more distantly related family. [thumbs down] So, it seemed like a good idea to relate our adventures without her using this special format. [thumbs up] This is despite the fact I'm likely to offend several classes of people and stay at home moms in general in name of trying to be funny while I'm tired. [thumbs down] I think you can see how this goes back and forth. [thumbs war]

So, last weekend Katie's sister had her 5th child (I think. Well, I KNOW she had a child but I'm unsure of the number. This is because I think it's unfair to use your thumb when counting on your fingers and it's screwed me up when counting above 3. But I digress.) Not only that, but it is her first boy! [Big thumbs up]

So Katie decided to she HAD to go see her and the baby short notice with no prior plans to fly across the country. This is because [obscure statement about life choices, followed by derogatory generalization about in-laws and relatives, season it with some unnecessary whining about it affecting my life,] This is not a generally advisable plan of action. [thumbs down]

EDITOR'S NOTE: Do you see what I did there? Without being specific I just upset A LOT of people I'm related to and likely to see in the very near future. Not least of all, my wife. However, because I was general about it and hinted that my personal feelings are actually part of the problem I get an "out" because I can argue that I didn't actually say anything about anybody and was being funny. Furthermore, I solidify that standpoint by adding this note and yet people's imaginations will STILL fill in the blanks and cause feelings. Writing is so much fun when you treat it like a game!

Oh, I'm in a mood tonight. I've got a bag full of tangents and I'm gonna use all of them. [thumb nose]

So, I'm a cool guy. It's my blog, I can pander to myself. I say, "honey, I got this. 23 of those chromosomes are mine. Surely, they'll obey the DNA master mold." I mean, seriously, who can't front load 80 hours into the first 3 weekdays and then watch 4 kids (this number is right, I just counted) full time for 4 days (yep, check on that number too)? What could go wrong? [thumbs up]

And that's how poor life choices are made: bravado and lack of understanding all the circumstances. We bought tickets and Katie spend the next 4 days having a pre-anxiety attack about 6 hours of flying. If you do the math, this is not a good payoff time-wise. [thumbs down]

Being a good wife, Katie prints out instructions and reminders and schedules and sticks in the one place I don't regularly gather reading material from: the fridge. We trade cars, she goes to the airport, I work, pick up kids from nice lady's house, get them home, have kids bring in trash can, secure edible and emotional nourishment for them, and we go to bed. Day 1 in the books. [thumbs up]

I wake up on Thursday, snag the note on the fridge, get the kids in the car, drop two off, and read the note while waiting to offload child 3. It says, Wednesday: RETURN LIBRARY BOOKS, and take Ben to scouts at 7. Well, that would have been good info one day earlier. I later pick up Zack, we have lunch and then go to pick up 2 more kids, but I can't tell time so we are 1.5 hours early to pick them up. This results in a big waste of time sitting in a car. When we get back I realize that trash day was Thursday, Katie had put it out for me, and by having it put away we remained the proud owners of last week's trash. [thumbs down]

Friday is much smoother. This is because there are no special instructions for Friday and I've figured out how to use clocks in spite of the fact that I've spent a good chunk of my life building ones that are made out of atoms (see what I did there?). For fun the kids want to go bowling. So naturally, we go to the library and park and then have dinner at Wendy's. We never eat there, it's not even on the radar, and it doesn't have a play gym, but the kids wanted it. C'est la vie. We watch a terrible movie (but not an inappropriate one) and play "mystery science theater 3000" with it by the time the climax hits. [thumbs up]

Saturday rolls on in and I'm rocking this mom-thing. I've got my hair dried and make-up on by the time we drop Ben off at a service project, and the new mom-jeans are really slimming my hips. Back at the town-home children are furiously doing chores to the barely acceptable level because we're going fishing! [thumbs up. What? you were expecting "thumbs down?" Naysayer...]

At the fishing hole there is goose crap everywhere and the nasty, gutsy remains of the early morning fishermen. It's the middle of the day, the fish aren't biting, Andrew looses two sets of tackle to shrubbery (Charlie Brown would be proud), and when we catch a crawdad all the kids are scared of it. [thumbs down]

But that was just my perspective. The kids had a blast fishing! We come back and grill out with the neighbors who are pretty friendly people. They are from Mississippi and let's just say a lot of generalizations were verified. We hang out until dusk. [thumbs up]

Sunday, today, is Andrew's birthday. And his mom wasn't here and all the rest of you didn't even send him a note. [thumbs down]

Still, he LOVED his birthday and got a super awesome drone to fly outside and it has a camera! [thumbs up]

And I'm now I'm crashing and NEED MY WIFE BACK AND SHE DOESN'T GET BACK UNTIL MORNING TOMORROW. AHHHHHH. [thumbs down]

But, in the end, we still have all our thumbs.

By Way of Explanation

Alright, I didn't think I'd have to do this, but let's set the record straight. LIFE IS NOT TERRIBLE FOR US. In fact, it's pretty rosy. And, most of you know that not only am I a terribly persistent optimist to a fault, but I also don't tend to wear my heart on my sleeve looking for pity.

So what's up with the last post you ask?

Well, I  like experimenting with viewpoints and phrasing things from different angles. I also happen to think I'm pretty clever and funny and a bit of a wordsmith. None of this is true - I just happen to believe it about myself.

So when I set about to post an update last night, I realized, "hey, this could be made to sound really depressing." Well, I wasn't wrong.

We love our friends and family and are grateful for your concern. That said, I had a fantastic birthday and wasn't actually looking for birthday wishes and the only thing that's made Katie depressed is the fact that I wrote that post last night.

I know, I know. I'm pretty pathetic. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

Yes, we were trying to buy a house and yes, it didn't work out. But I only let you see a very small slice of the whole pie in the last account. In fact, that house falling through is actually in answer to my wife's prayers. We don't have to go into all the reasons here, but it was good for us and in our favor that it didn't work out.

We live in a strange place where the public schools don't feel like public penitentiaries, and even the preschoolers get ipads for doing their schoolwork, and you don't have to set your alarm to apply chapstick in the middle of the night, and speeding is allowed before 8AM and after 6PM (well, at least it's not enforced...), and people have grass because they can't get rid of it rather than watering it with their blood because water is too expensive, and we get in accidents almost everyday because we can't stop looking at the beautiful area, and a million other reasons.

Sure we still miss family, and friends, and green chile. And mostly in that order. But, our biggest problems are seriously that the most renowned donuts and ice cream in the state are 2 blocks away and we are on a diet. I buy them for my coworkers in the morning just so I can watch someone else eat them. That's not even a first world problem. It's much worse. It's first world self control.

Every change and transition is uncomfortable. I could only make it sound convincingly bad because there is a little truth to every viewpoint in life. The fact of the matter is, it is only how we look at our circumstances that separates disaster from opportunity.

The other lesson is: words are powerful, and can unintentionally elicit emotion and concern even when flippant and especially when carelessly used.

Life is good. Our family is good. I will try to keep my writing experiments to myself. I'll probably fail, because at the end of the day I'm just kind of pathetic like that.

Updates: Still Dazed

Or confused. Or both. It's funny, when you commit to writing about your life candidly on the internet it tends to make you feel like you should stop sucking at it. Even if very few people are ever going to read what you write. The act of writing it down for your own two eyes to even peruse is inspirational in that way.

It goes something like this: Write a couple of paragraphs. Read over them to make sure you don't sound like the uneducated idiot all of your Facebook friends come across as. Start to think about what you've written. Think to yourself, "wow, this guy is really pathetic. What a joke!" Realize that guy is you. Eat a jar of Nutella and a quart of any flavor ice cream. Realize you've responded to the pathos in an overtly pathetic way. Repeat cycle. Click "post."

So after a lot of effort and time and money we find ourselves in the pathetic situation of being in square one again when it comes to finding a home to live in here. This is the result of someone not being able to read English correctly and also because our NM home hasn't sold yet.

It's really hard to own 2 homes without planning to. So when we decided to move on with buying a home here while the NM house was still on the market we were walking a fine line. Not to disclose too much about my personal finances, but I can only float two homes for so long if I'm not renting out one of them.

So when the bank initially estimates a monthly payment that is roughly 20% lower than the actual monthly payment the underwriter gets very nervous about your ability to pay the bills. So does my wife. In fact, if she were to talk to the underwriter they probably would never give us a loan. Talking to her, you'd think we were homeless. For the record, we're not homeless. We're just living 1,500 miles away from where our house was exists.

So after fighting to get into a home, winning a bidding war, convincing a bank to put its own money into a foreclosed property, ordering a trampoline to be delivered at that address on closing day, and setting up work to take care of some things on the house upon closing we find ourselves moving on. Pathetic.

In the meantime, Ben had his first campout in Ohio. It was great for him and probably the most miserable campout I've ever been on. After living in the southwest for 14 years, it's kind of hard to drag some tents out to a city park in the rain and call it a campout. So I slept at home. Then I came back in the morning and pretended I liked standing in the rain all Saturday while 12 yr old Boyscouts tried to motivate themselves to pick up and get dry.

I owe my old Scoutmaster a lot.

Also, nothing makes you marvel that the human race has persevered like listening to bunch of 12 and 13 yr old boys talk for a while. How do they ever get girlfriends someday? It doesn't say much for the fairer race that they settle for it eventually. I'll tell you that.

Then I had a birthday. Yep, you all forgot about it, you no-good, lazy wanna-be friends. I expect this from my siblings. But you guys too? Boy, I am pathetic.

Finally, we went to the first four games of the NCAA tournament. Well, two of the first four. Well, one and a half of two of them. You get the idea. Katie will add pictures to this post later I'm sure, but it was a lot of fun.

Ben and Zack crashed first and Katie took them back early. Kallie and Andrew hung on. As the  night drew on though their enthusiasm definitely waned exponentially. They were all set to watch the whole second game. Eventually, it go to the point where waiting out the last 1:30 of the first half wasn't worth it.

What that did do was expose my kids to a sport that is almost non-existent in NM. We are now the proud owners of a basketball and my kids love to dribble and shoot it just like you'd expect white kids who've never touched a basketball to do. I've failed them on so many levels. Pathetic.