Erickson Family 2015: A Year in Preview
What did we do in 2014? Who cares?! That is SO last year!
Everybody knows what happened last year: people learned to play instruments,
others succeeded in school, many had kids or grandkids, people went places,
hung out together, advanced careers and lives… yada yada yada.
You know what’s more interesting than what happened to us
last year? What’s going to happen to us this year. That’s right, we’re going to
fill you in on where we’re going (exciting) instead of where we’ve been (depressing
- well no, not really, but it’s truly behind us.) Ever since we learned that
looking behind you might just result in turning you into a pillar of salt (a probability
of roughly 1: 107,000,000,000) we’re steadfastly looking forward.
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January - despite all the positive mantra, January will be
truly depressing. By cutting out all processed white sugar you can be sure that
we will be drowning ourselves in bottles of agave and manuka honey while we
simultaneously ramp up a family exercise regimen. Can endorphins actually
replace processed food happiness? We’ll tell you in February. Zack celebrates
his 3rd birthday upon which he receives significant additions to his
fleet of toy cars. He continues to live without fear for his own mortality by jumping
off of objects as high as 4-5 feet onto tile and concrete. Terrorizing the
street on his 3-wheel scooter or with his RC car is a daily practice. Ben gets
a belated birthday trip from 2014 with his Grandpa Erickson– he now believes he
is 4 years older than he really is. Chris gets to visit the Hiltons while on a
business trip to Eglin AFB. The children cry when he leaves and it takes Emily
and Dan a week to bring things back into order.
February - yes, you can in fact “live better” while leading a meaningful existence. Having lost some weight, Katie and I have learned that when some people say, “you’re looking great!” they really mean, “I hate you.” And that, “how much have you lost?” really means, “I lost that and more one time!” We promptly switch these people out for less shallow acquaintances and realize that we were actually talking to ourselves in the mirror. This is a relief as it also solves the invasion of privacy issues we’ve been having.
March – Katie and I both have birthdays and turn 29 again. This is due to a time gate that I am working on as a step towards a real time machine. The Air Force doesn’t like me talking about it much, but the gate basically resets your biological systems to a specific point in time. Unfortunately, it has the unintended side effects of graying your hair, adding minor wrinkles to your skin, and slightly obscuring your short-term memory. The effects are cumulative with each use and another division is working on some fixes for it.
April – Andrew turns 7. With the birthday bounty he
calculates that by making some wise investments he could reach his goal of financial
independence by age 10. When asked why he is so driven he responds, “Well,
taking over the world requires… I mean, um, video games are just SOOOOO
expensive!” He has no comment on allegations that the candy bars and popcorn he
sells the other kids are laced with mind control substances or that he’s
holding offshore accounts. He begins karate lessons because everybody who attempts
world domination needs to have some serious ninja skills. Ben and Kallie
perform in their biannual piano recital to high praise.
May – Another soccer season comes to an end. Zack almost
wins MVP for both Andrew and Ben’s teams since his ball handling skills are
better than most of the players. His chances are shot when someone points out
that he didn’t actually play in any of the games but only dribbled a ball up
and down the sideline. Zack only responds to being called “Messi” when on the
field. Chris retires his referee uniform for the offseason. Kallie performs in her
Spring Ballet recital and with grace and agility she prances to success.
June – Family vacation awesomeness gets kicked off with a
two-week visit from Cousin Hailey. She then accompanies us on a drive up
through the Painted Desert and the Grand Canyon to meet the Erickson Clan at
the Rocking R Ranch in Antimony, UT. Every time we mention the location the
kids launch into the Element Song. Luckily, it gets an element or two shorter
for every day they don’t sing it. The week is full of fun and laughter and at
least two broken bones. We are currently taking bets on who will be injured while
riding cows and sheep.
July – Ben attends his first week long scout camp. As one of
his Scout Leaders, Chris is excited to get to be with him most of the week. We get
in trouble for using spare time to sharpen our knife throwing skills (no pun
intended, well, okay, it was) and the camp director accidentally gets shot in
the butt with a bow and arrow. Ah, memories.
August – Kallie turns 10. Since she looks 14 we lock her in
a tower and I start spending my evenings cleaning guns. She escapes from the
tower with her mad rollerblading skills and commiserates with her band of
friends that all boys might just be as illogical as her father. Her mother
confirms that she is right. She exacerbates my anxiety by planning to marry a
guy someday with a beard and love for motorcycles that match her father’s.
September – Life goes on… Okay, fine. Significant drama
ensues when the kids are forced to decide between homeschooling and going to
school with their friends. On one hand, they get their work done in a couple of
hours and have all day to do WHATEVER they want. On the other they’re trapped
at school all day, but they’re trapped in the same building AS THEIR FRIENDS. It’s
such a hard decision.
October – Balloon Fiesta. In Albuquerque October means
Balloon Fiesta and that means running around while people blow up and deflate
hot air balloons, drinking hot chocolate, and eating breakfast burritos. It
might even draw us some out of town visitors… For Halloween we have the best
decorated car at the trunk or treat again thanks to the presence of liquid
nitrogen.
November – Ben turns 12. A huge step as he becomes a Deacon,
gets the Priesthood. On top of that his Dad will start taking him out to empty
parking lots to drive the car. With a child on the brink of being a teenager,
the world as Katie and I know it will begin to end. Trying to find a way to put
this poetically does not lessen the stark reality of it.
December – This year Santa is so skinny he doesn’t get stuck
in the chimney. But the joke’s on him, because we don’t have a chimney. Screams
from the furnace awake the family who rescues Santa from an untimely fate and
saves Christmas. Unfortunately, Santa’s brain was a little singed by the event
and he forgot who was who. Zack got the state-of-the-art helicopter that was
the only thing on Andrew’s list, Andrew ended up with some beautiful earrings
that were supposed to be Kallie’s, Ben got a new plastic sheet that we think
would better serve Zack, and Kallie got a popular men’s cologne and a note from
a pretty girl in Ben’s class. That was lucky since the note read, “You are a
stinky, stinky boy,” which probably would have devastated Ben. Santa’s quality
control is suffering next year.
May your 2015 be as spectacular as ours!
