Action Andrew

Yes, it’s been a while. Yes, life is crazy. Yes, by now we have already told most of you the stories I am about to relate in this blog. We are now recording them for posterity’s sake and apologize if you feel jaded for having to hear the same story twice. Let’s pretend they’re fables…

ANDREW AND THE POPCORN BAG

One day Andrew was wondering through the pantry when he heard his name. “Where are you?” Andrew asked innocently. “I’m up here” came the reply.

“Are you in amongst the cereal boxes?”

“No.”

“Are you amongst the jellos?”

“No.”

“Are you by the oatmeal?”

“Yes.”

“Are you the popcorn that I have been desiring this long while to keep safe in my belly?”

“YES! Go ask your mother to make me for you!”

So Andrew went to ask his mother. But his mother, knowing the hour of the morning and the necessity of being hungry for a good lunch, said, “NO WAY!”

Andrew related the news to the popcorn bag with tears in his eyes. “Do not cry little one. You can make me yourself when your mother is not around.” And Andrew’s eyes gleamed with past tears and future happiness.

When his mother was in the shower Andrew set out to accomplish the desire of his little heart. He scaled the crags and slot canyons of food pantry. Just when he was about to give up because his toes were slipping off the painted wood he spotted the little popcorn bag tucked into the corner of the second to highest shelf.

With all too much ease he positioned a bar stool in front of the magical box which ate raw food and threw-up cooked food. He placed the popcorn in the box unawares of the screaming bag: “Hey! NOT YET! You have to unwrap me! You have to lay me flat! Don’t cook me too….” Then he pushed buttons until the box sprang to life.

His mother was getting dressed in the bathroom when Andrew walked in with a charred mass of paper and plastic. “Look Mom, I made POPCORN! It doesn’t taste very good.” And with that, he threw it away. His mother burned cinnamon and other spices all day and still the smell lingers.

MORAL: If you are a food item, don’t talk to Andrew.

ANDREW AND ALL THE KEYS

One day Andrew was standing by the front door when he heard little voices (the poor child really needs some help). “Where are those voices coming from?” Andrew wondered out loud. “Up here, Shorty!” replied the keys by the front door.

And so it began everyday Andrew would stand staring up at the keys, and the whole time they would yell down taunts and insults from the perch on high. They felt safe in the knowledge that Andrew could not reach them. No, not even with the help of the accomplice Bar Stool.

One day, the keys were teasing Andrew when Andrew decided enough was enough. “If you don’t stop, I’m going to send my tiger up after you!” threatened the little boy. The keys just laughed. A tiger could not reach them.

True to his promise Andrew returned with his tiger. With a mighty fling Andrew’s tiger leapt at the keys. The keys laughed. The more the tiger came at them the more they laughed, and then something happened. The tiger got one of the keys and dragged it down to the floor to Andrew.

At first the keys were truly frightened but when they realized that it was very difficult for the tiger to get them and that it only happened every once in a while they returned to their old ways. Andrew was very discouraged.

Then one day Andrew was playing with his brother’s retractable stick which measured the lengths of things. Andrew sat and the floor and and pulled and pulled on the stick until it grew longer and longer. Soon Andrew looked up and saw that the stick was as long as his tiger could leap high. As long as the keys were high off the floor.

Now the keys live in fear and Andrew takes them down whenever he wants.

MORAL: If you are a pair of keys, don’t smack talk Andrew.

ANDREW AND THE TOASTER

One day Andrew poured a whole bottle of syrup into the toaster.

MORAL: If you are Andrew’s parents don’t get involved in other projects before cleaning up breakfast.

ANDREW AND THE SILENCE

One day in church it was really quite. Andrew thought that it was so quite that he should do something about it. He started yelling “Honk! Honk!” louder and louder to try to get people to make some noise.

MORAL: Don’t take Andrew to church.