One of our favorite things to do as a family is to tell stories in the "thumbs up, thumbs down" format. I'm sure there's some fancy pants label for talking about and analyzing this method of story telling. So if you know what it is, keep it to yourself. Don't out yourself like that. We can still be friends.
The gist of it is to tell a story where each segment is a counterpoint to the previous one in your story. After each segment you label it as either a "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" segment. The kids love doing this to tell us about their day and what happened to them. You get extra points for using the counterpoints to throw a clever twist into the story.
Well, Katie abandoned the family this week in favor of far away and more distantly related family. [thumbs down] So, it seemed like a good idea to relate our adventures without her using this special format. [thumbs up] This is despite the fact I'm likely to offend several classes of people and stay at home moms in general in name of trying to be funny while I'm tired. [thumbs down] I think you can see how this goes back and forth. [thumbs war]
So, last weekend Katie's sister had her 5th child (I think. Well, I KNOW she had a child but I'm unsure of the number. This is because I think it's unfair to use your thumb when counting on your fingers and it's screwed me up when counting above 3. But I digress.) Not only that, but it is her first boy! [Big thumbs up]
So Katie decided to she HAD to go see her and the baby short notice with no prior plans to fly across the country. This is because [obscure statement about life choices, followed by derogatory generalization about in-laws and relatives, season it with some unnecessary whining about it affecting my life,] This is not a generally advisable plan of action. [thumbs down]
EDITOR'S NOTE: Do you see what I did there? Without being specific I just upset A LOT of people I'm related to and likely to see in the very near future. Not least of all, my wife. However, because I was general about it and hinted that my personal feelings are actually part of the problem I get an "out" because I can argue that I didn't actually say anything about anybody and was being funny. Furthermore, I solidify that standpoint by adding this note and yet people's imaginations will STILL fill in the blanks and cause feelings. Writing is so much fun when you treat it like a game!
Oh, I'm in a mood tonight. I've got a bag full of tangents and I'm gonna use all of them. [thumb nose]
So, I'm a cool guy. It's my blog, I can pander to myself. I say, "honey, I got this. 23 of those chromosomes are mine. Surely, they'll obey the DNA master mold." I mean, seriously, who can't front load 80 hours into the first 3 weekdays and then watch 4 kids (this number is right, I just counted) full time for 4 days (yep, check on that number too)? What could go wrong? [thumbs up]
And that's how poor life choices are made: bravado and lack of understanding all the circumstances. We bought tickets and Katie spend the next 4 days having a pre-anxiety attack about 6 hours of flying. If you do the math, this is not a good payoff time-wise. [thumbs down]
Being a good wife, Katie prints out instructions and reminders and schedules and sticks in the one place I don't regularly gather reading material from: the fridge. We trade cars, she goes to the airport, I work, pick up kids from nice lady's house, get them home, have kids bring in trash can, secure edible and emotional nourishment for them, and we go to bed. Day 1 in the books. [thumbs up]
I wake up on Thursday, snag the note on the fridge, get the kids in the car, drop two off, and read the note while waiting to offload child 3. It says, Wednesday: RETURN LIBRARY BOOKS, and take Ben to scouts at 7. Well, that would have been good info one day earlier. I later pick up Zack, we have lunch and then go to pick up 2 more kids, but I can't tell time so we are 1.5 hours early to pick them up. This results in a big waste of time sitting in a car. When we get back I realize that trash day was Thursday, Katie had put it out for me, and by having it put away we remained the proud owners of last week's trash. [thumbs down]
Friday is much smoother. This is because there are no special instructions for Friday and I've figured out how to use clocks in spite of the fact that I've spent a good chunk of my life building ones that are made out of atoms (see what I did there?). For fun the kids want to go bowling. So naturally, we go to the library and park and then have dinner at Wendy's. We never eat there, it's not even on the radar, and it doesn't have a play gym, but the kids wanted it. C'est la vie. We watch a terrible movie (but not an inappropriate one) and play "mystery science theater 3000" with it by the time the climax hits. [thumbs up]
Saturday rolls on in and I'm rocking this mom-thing. I've got my hair dried and make-up on by the time we drop Ben off at a service project, and the new mom-jeans are really slimming my hips. Back at the town-home children are furiously doing chores to the barely acceptable level because we're going fishing! [thumbs up. What? you were expecting "thumbs down?" Naysayer...]
At the fishing hole there is goose crap everywhere and the nasty, gutsy remains of the early morning fishermen. It's the middle of the day, the fish aren't biting, Andrew looses two sets of tackle to shrubbery (Charlie Brown would be proud), and when we catch a crawdad all the kids are scared of it. [thumbs down]
But that was just my perspective. The kids had a blast fishing! We come back and grill out with the neighbors who are pretty friendly people. They are from Mississippi and let's just say a lot of generalizations were verified. We hang out until dusk. [thumbs up]
Sunday, today, is Andrew's birthday. And his mom wasn't here and all the rest of you didn't even send him a note. [thumbs down]
Still, he LOVED his birthday and got a super awesome drone to fly outside and it has a camera! [thumbs up]
And I'm now I'm crashing and NEED MY WIFE BACK AND SHE DOESN'T GET BACK UNTIL MORNING TOMORROW. AHHHHHH. [thumbs down]
But, in the end, we still have all our thumbs.
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